According to Jordan Peterson, a harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that dangerousness under voluntary control. Being a “nice guy” is highly overrated. So what is the difference between a “nice guy” and a “good man?”
The first time I heard that quote, it really struck me. And I think it also resonated with many men who heard it, repeated it, and pondered it. A short while ago, I saw an interview with actor Matthew McConaughey, and during the interview, he said something very similar, which got me thinking about this idea again, and it has been swirling around in my head for the last few days. I decided, being a writer, to jot down some of my thoughts on this, which I did. Then I decided I wanted to share my thoughts with others and see what they think. Please, do feel free to leave comments if you are so inclined.
So, what is a nice guy? According to Matthew McConaughey, a “nice guy” is someone who just gets along. As I thought about this, my mind went back to the executive protection training I had with Executive Security International many years ago. In that training, we were taught that good and evil are character traits, while things like niceness, charm, rapport, politeness, or friendliness are not. These things are simply tools. I had to think about this one for a while.
I researched the term “character trait,” and nearly every definition ended up sounding like this:
Character traits are enduring qualities that define how we as individuals think, feel, and behave, reflecting our values, attitudes, and moral compass. They influence decisions and interactions, shaping a person’s identity and actions in various situations.
So, why aren’t niceness, charm, rapport, politeness, or friendliness character traits? According to Gavin DeBecker, a highly respected security expert who has worked with the Secret Service and whose security company has protected many celebrities and politicians, and the author of “The Gift of Fear,” it is because they can be turned on and off depending on the motivation of the individual in question. Even serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Gary Ridgway, or John Wayne Gacy could be nice, friendly, polite, and charming as they built a rapport with their intended victims. They could be very “nice guys” when working to get you to lower your guard, but all that niceness, charm, and friendliness disappeared once they had you in their clutches; the tool, having completed its task, was turned off.
And I think most of us would be very hard-pressed to define these serial killers as “good men.”
Why do good men need the capacity and ability to be dangerous and to be skilled in the use of violence? It is because they have a moral code. Again, according to Matthew McConaughey, a good man will decide, “I am okay with this,” or “I am not okay with that.” That line will be drawn because of his moral code. And typically, a good man will try to get along with most anyone until you try to force things he is not okay with into his life. And, if and when you do, there will be consequences.
Often, you will have to push a good man pretty hard to bring his dangerous nature into use. He keeps his dangerousness under voluntary control because he is a good man and prefers not to resort to violence unless he has no choice. However, if you push him to that point, you will force him to unleash a violent and harsh response; a commitment to protect what he loves with his very life. That is the provider-and-protector instinct hardwired into most men.
It is this instinct that, for a time, became termed “toxic masculinity” in an effort to turn men into nothing but multicultural, skinny-jean-wearing, man-bun-sporting nice guys … or, in other words, wimps. Why would society want to do that? Because good men will stand up when those with an agenda try to force into their lives, or the lives of those they love, things that violate their moral code, and they did not want that!
However, good men who are dangerous, yet keep their dangerousness under voluntary control, are very much needed in a healthy and safe society. They are the men who become the Soldiers, the Sailors, the Marines, the Airmen, the Coast Guard personnel, the Police, the US Marshals, the Border Patrol agents, the FBI agents, and all the other first responders who run toward danger rather than away from it.
And while this collection of thoughts focuses on the role of men, it should in no way be taken as being dismissive of the protective role good women play in society. I have nothing but respect for women who serve in our military or become law enforcement agents. The maternal instinct to protect and nurture is just as strong. There is nothing more dangerous than a good and strong mother fighting to protect her young. But when an individual or a group has an agenda to force a change on society to increase their power over it, the primary target becomes the good but dangerous man who lives by a strong moral code.
How do we, as good men, learn to make ourselves more dangerous, and at the same time, learn to keep that dangerousness under our voluntary control? And why is this important in the first place? Some things come immediately to mind – things like martial arts or firearms training. And those are important, maybe even critical, in today’s world. I practice martial arts, specifically Isshin-ryu Karate, focused on self-defense. I’ve done a lot of firearms training. I’ve been in the military. And I’ve got a firearm with me a good percentage of the time. And indeed, situational awareness is huge. When I’m out to dinner or in social situations, I remain situationally aware.
However, I’m going to take this in a slightly different tack at this point and talk about raising good men who can keep their dangerousness under voluntary control.
Sadly, today we see far too many young men running around who don’t have any idea of what it means to be a man or to have their dangerousness under control. This is because they haven’t had male mentors, role models, coaches, or fathers to teach them how to harness their raw masculine energy and put it to good use. Because of this, when it is unleashed, it often can result in violence that is tragic and horrific, or at least, totally uncalled for.
This is not about race, but the destruction of the black core family unit is a prime example of this. The family is considered the basic unit of society because it provides love, support, and education, helping individuals develop values and stability. It plays a crucial role in passing on cultural heritage and ensuring the well-being of its members. Since 1964, and Lyndon Johnson’s “Great Society,” the breakdown of the black family unit has had a disastrous effect on black society in the U.S. From 1960 to 2013, the percentage of births to unmarried black women grew from 20% to over 70%. Black women were essentially paid to stay at home and have babies, and were penalized if a father was present in the home. In the absence of strong male role models, incarceration numbers for black males rose from about 30 thousand in 1960 to over 250,000 in 2011.
It’s the job of men to teach boys how to control their tendency toward male aggression, competitiveness, and, yes, violence at times, so that they can use it in a controlled, effective, and appropriate manner. In addition, we as men, have the responsibility to teach boys that we are responsible for how we use our capacity to be capable or dangerous, whether that means getting out of a dangerous or violent situation, protecting our loved ones from danger, or facing some natural disaster such as a flood, hurricane, or earthquake, or even something like an automobile accident. It can even be something as simple as participating in school sports or playing pickup basketball or football in the backyard. Whatever it is, strong men are the role models who help boys harness the “maleness” that they have hard-wired within them.
Boy Scouts used to do precisely that. Boy Scouts was, at one time, a way for men and boys to bond, and for boys to learn how to be men from strong role models. That changed. As society began forcing men to spend more time working to provide a comfortable lifestyle for their families, and later, to denigrate or castigate strong male role models, men began to disappear from the Boy Scouts. While I appreciate women stepping up to fill the void, as sincere and good-intentioned as they were, women cannot teach boys how to be strong, capable men.
As a society, and especially as a nation, we need strong, capable men to step up and return to teaching boys how to be good and dangerous men, with that dangerousness under voluntary control. We do not need more nice guys; we need more good and dangerous men.
Just my opinion, but as Phil Williams used to say, “Feel free to make it your own!”
One last closing comment, as a writer, I try very hard to incorporate the idea of a good man (and, for that matter, a good woman) into the “good guys” characters in my JD Cordell novels. No, my characters are not perfect. They are human beings; they have strengths, weaknesses, and flaws, and they wrestle with their decisions and the consequences of those decisions at every step along the way. But once they have decided to act, they follow through on their choices, no matter how unpleasant it becomes.
~ DCG